Some people can tell you what it’s like to be hit by a car…only I could tell you what it’s like to be hit be her own car, or Jeep to be exact… while it’s parked. It takes fabulous luck, and skill to pull off what I did today. I am battered, scraped, bruised, and my pain is much greater than it was before I hit myself with my own car. Sadly, that means I went from a barely function level of pain to a “I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, why haven’t I trained one of my dogs to fetch me a coke from the fridge yet, holy mother of pain, make it stop please” level of pain.
So how in the name of god’s green earth did I pull this off?
I got home from getting a prescription refilled, and slowly climbed out of the Jeep. I’ve been pretty slow on my feet the past couple of weeks, as my back has been getting worse, and I hadn’t slept a wink last night. As I rounded the front of the Jeep I walked right into a giant spider web, with an equally giant spider in it. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I have an irrational fear of spiders. Granted it is not as bad as it once was, it’s still one of those deep into your subconscious fears. Well, I screamed like a little girl and jumped. Not like I came off the ground jump, just your normal flinch, hop back….ok, it was a crippled person’s flinch….With what happened next you’d think I’d have done some sort of spectacular move to have set this chain of events off. But, nooo I just had a tiny little hop back, and managed to set off the most ridiculous string of insane clumsiness ever.
Once my little hop back was executed, there was no going back. My ankle rolled to the side, then bent back under my leg, and with that shearing pain it sent me flying into my own bumper…Yes, my own bumper and with enough force that I bounced off. Right before my back slammed into the bumper I attempted, at least I like to believe I attempted to catch myself given the extent of the self-inflicted injuries I sustained. All I know for sure is I managed to dislocate a shoulder, an elbow, a wrist, and two fingers – all in 0.2 seconds before I found myself face first into the driveway. In the end I managed to destroy my ankle to the point that I still can’t get everything back in alignment. All of the above mentioned dislocations, and a myriad of scrapes and bruises. With all that I also slammed by back…the same back that is a few weeks away from fusion surgery…into my Jeep’s bumper. I hit myself…I hit myself with my own parked car. Seriously?
So there I lay in the driveway, with my purse on my shoulder, cell phone, sweet tea still in hand (and tea not spilled), and my dignity splattered on the concrete. I ladies, and gentleman have talents beyond anyone on earth.