Surgery Nesting?

So, here I am doing what I can only describe as “surgery nesting”.  It’s like a combination of spring cleaning on crack, and the nesting pregnant women do…if they were on morphine, and the occasional Ativan, and some muscle relaxers.  Now I feel  that I must first point out that I am no addict, and that I am highly functioning on medications. At this point between the unrelenting spine pain with a sloppy side of radiculopathy, my normal EDS pain, and my new found friend autonomic dysfunction; well it’s about the only way I can do anything at all.

The problem is that even still I have to lay down every 10 minutes or so.  So we’ve gotten in a pattern of doing things, cleaning, organizing, laying down to write out my little “Hi I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome” and a list of concerns for each area of medical professionals I’ll be dealing with.  The OR nurses, the anesthesiologist, the recovery nurses, and for the nurse on my floor. I figure little brief notecards are the easiest way to get them to look at, and that way if I wake up like raggedy Anne, all floppy I can say “I Told You So”.

Then there is getting everything ready for the hospital stay. I could be there 3-5 days, so I’m going to need entertainment.  My family and friends are all “you’re just going to sleep with all the drugs they have you on” and I’m all “this is me on 30mg of Morphine, 2 mg of Ativan, and 4mg of Zaniflex”.  The ones that know me well are all… “Oh yeah, you’re gonna need some company and entertainment”.

Then I get up and clean, people are going to be in this house, and with a spine fracture, a herniated disc, and spodylosenthis, that’s all been thrown on top of my HEDS.  Well, my house is a source of pure embarrassment right now.  The guest room looks like an executive’s closet exploded in it, all ruminates of my former life.  My kitchen is something out of a horror film, my living room and entrance hall are a dang obstacle course. And I’m not even getting into the dining room, and other 3 bedrooms, nor the guest bath. Ahhhh!  IT’s too much!  I’d hire a cheap cleaning crew, but I’m too embarrassed to let anyone in the house.  Pride’s a bitch I tell you.

Then there is the list making of what I need at home, comfy clothing, soft things, things to help me pick things up, setting up things so I can get to them without bending, and how the hell am I even going to deal with the bathroom.  I just found out that I’m going to need some ridiculous contraption called the bottom buddy to wipe myself.  I’m.Going.To.Need.Tools,To.Wipe? FTW! Seriously!  And I tried, no bending, no twisting, perfect posture potty time?  It was like ball room dancing with a midget.  The only way I’m going to be able to do it is by dislocating my shoulder.  Then I discovered the bottom buddy.  The magic wand to wipe your bottom after back surgery, and it exists.  So throw your pride out the window lady, you’re gonna need a magic ass wand to do your bathroom duties.  Let me be the first to tell you that I am sad I didn’t invent this, because they are damn near $40.  It’s going to cost me an extra $40 to do something I’ve been able to do since like 3-4 years old.  Cripes.

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The Bottom Buddy Will Help You Lose Your Dignity, And Keep Your Bottom Clean

In my wild nesting, and purchasing of all things listed on the post spine surgery post op MUST have list. Which I will add I read this list and thing, holy merry mother of cupcakes!  I need all this stuff? I need all this stuff! CRAP I NEED THIS STUFF!  It’s a freaking undertaking to get ready for this surgery.  A mind blowing undertaking! Then it dawns on me that maybe someone came up with all this shit to do before surgery so we weren’t sitting around stressing about it.  I’ll go ahead and tell you that before this project started I was watching every gory surgery video, ready every horrible tail of things gone wrong.  Thinking, well 85% are good odds right?  I mean I’ve got a 20%-15% chance of being maimed for life, that’s not bad. Right? Thank god the nesting phase kicked it.

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Who am I going to find to keep my precious girls?      

So little Lily Bean is staying with her Aunt Lee who understands her risks of being 2lbs, and understands that she’s never met a stranger and she is just not allowed to get in a strangers car!

Kona is staying with a co-worker who has kept her before, so she’ll be happy getting love, and playing with her Rottie friend Tonka.

Now, sweet Violet has to find a place, in a month she’s got to have the perfect babysitter. Eeep!

As you might be able to tell I am anal-retentive, over-protective of my girls.  I’m a vet tech, we’ve seen the worst. Sue me for being a wing-nut over my dogs.  Oh, and I have to make lists for all of them, what they can have, how much, when, what they can’t have, what this, that. ACK!

Then there is getting the house proofed for the ultimate clumsy girl.  I’m pretty sure I got an extra dose of the HEDS bad body proprioception.  I filled out some paperwork in advance for an upcoming doctor’s appointment recently.  The questions that made me laugh the most were:

Do you ever fall:  Does the sun ever come up?

How often do you fall:  More than I could ever, humanly possibly count.  I don’t even try to keep up with it.  Sometimes I don’t fall all the way; I just face plant into the wall to save myself.  What do you want from me?

Yes….those are the answers that I actually put.  I hope the doc has a sense of humor…

So I’m buying lounge wear, butt buddies, grabber dohickies, shower stools, I’m gearing my house up to the coolest senior house on the block.  And I stumble upon the most holy of pillows. The leachco  Back ‘N Belly Contoured Pillow.  I’m in love with this thing!  I slept on my side without dislocating or subluxating a shoulder.  It was like the heavens split open and the pillow angels sang. Peace in bed, good will toward joints.  You can move this thing around and support your hips, knees, shoulders, the possibilities are endless.  I love you goofy u shaped pregnancy pillow, even though I know one day you will bring me a funny eye from some cute boy.

That all said, I’ve got a few more things to do before bed.  I’ll be sure to update you more, as well as I promise to update through the surgery to tell the tale of EDS and lumbar fusion with two awesome surgeons that actually know the risks of doing this procedure on an HEDS patient. Wooo!

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